Juggling Act

My goal is to write something daily in this blog, for a number of reasons...
Debt reduction and learning to live within your means is a daily struggle. It's not going to magically change over night. Until other things change, I'll be putting some bills on credit cards for a while, past due on other things, so forth and so on, until some expenses are reduced, and I learn what to cut, what to add more to, and what to give up on.
Also, my husband and I have a very difficult time talking about finances. I am hoping that pouring my heart into a relatively neutral forum will not only help me to gain support from others, but to be more honest with him, which in turn will lead him to be more honest with me. The financial issues are mainly mine, but he too, as anyone is, is not perfect, and we both are working on trust and honesty in our marriage.
It also helps for others to see what someone else's thoughts are on a specific topic because I am more than certain I am not alone in my journey. I wish I could see the daily trials that others face concerning financial progress and improvement. It might help to motivate me to realize I am not alone in this battle, and I could learn ways to cope and improve upon myself.
Right now, today I want to discuss one of my biggest weaknesses--bill juggling. In our marriage, I took upon myself the entire system of budgeting (my own bastardized method) and bill paying. I'm really not sure why I do it. I have a bit of an anal thing when it comes to trust and a paranoia about bouncing checks for some reason. See, I've never bounced a check, and I'm proud of that....
But...
I am also an incredible bill juggler. I am aware of all grace periods, when collectors start calling, and when payments are reported to credit bureaus (and we have been reported a couple times). I pay our car payments in the grace period, the house payment before the 30 days comes up, the student loans before they go 60 days past due and get reported (though I set up a payment on time a couple weeks ago, and it refused to process it until day 62, so I'm a bit worried I was reported when I set the payment up on day 57...super not cool...I'll fight that one. We shouldn't be punished because their system is slow).
I'm sure you see a pattern, and I'm sure you can see the inherent problems.
This system is not foolproof. Computer systems can often bump you past due (as evidenced in my example). You pay an awful lot of late fees for the privilege of moving bills around. You make promises to pay something on "x day" to your spouse, decide it's OK to juggle it because you "know" you'll get it paid the next pay period, and then something comes up, and it doesn't happen, and you're made a liar, even with the best of intentions. You get tired of being the one perpetually past due, even just a little bit. You get tired of dealing with collection agencies on medical bills--even though they never actually "punish" you...just send stern letters, you pay, and once again are afforded an interest free loan, essentially, to pay a bill monthly with no hit on your credit report.
So, why do I do it? If it's so terrible, why do I do it?
I'm obsessed with this notion of having a "cushion" available. What is "cushion?" The knowledge I won't overdraft. The ability to eat out. The option to nickel and dime some money away on wasteful things, or, on the other hand, to be able to buy the random thing we need that we DIDN'T budget for.
And the thing is, I want to change, but the question I have is how? In order to catch up everything, I need to make extra payments on everything--basically get a month ahead on everything. And how do you do that on a tight budget? And how do you break the habits you've had for years that say it's OK to eat out or spend money because it's "only" 5 dollars here or ten bucks there?
I'm sure this need for "cushion" has also helped influence our credit card debt. It seems like free money at the time, but now, it's just extra payments added to everything which we didn't need, and all to be able to buy more "stuff" I can't even really account for.
There's no resolution or moral to this entry, no happy, wrapped up ending, just another day and another struggle I long to overcome, and hopefully, will.